January 5th. It was a Sunday morning. In the matter of just a phone call, our lives
changed drastically. We excitedly got
ready and rushed to the hospital. The
birthmother we had been working with had given birth to a baby girl. She was here.
Our daughter had come! We drove
as fast as we could to get to her. We
finally got to see her, and hold her.
The hope swelled in our hearts.
Our Elizabeth Hope, which means our God has made a covenant of hope, had
come!
January 5th will always be a special day for us. A day that reminds us of so much hope, our
Lord’s healing and provision, much suffering, and even greater joy. We had the privilege of being Elizabeth’s
parents for six long wonderful, beautiful, painful, hurtful, days. The Lord had ordained for us to love her with
all of our hopeful broken hearts for the six days he granted her to us and we
will be forever grateful!
At the end of those six days, our time as her parents
had ended. Our birth mom decided to
place Elizabeth with another family. We
were heartbroken…utterly gut-wrenching heartbroken. It was the worst trial we have experienced in
our marriage. I didn't understand. My heart was so broken it felt as if it was
ripped out, tied to a heavy anchor and dropped in the bottom of the ocean. I asked James, “What good can come from this?” Isn't our God a God who loves his children and loves the orphan? We were trying
to do the right thing. Why were we suffering? Why did we have to lose our daughter? Our hopes and dreams for our daughter had
vanished. We didn't know where she was
going. We just knew she was no longer
ours.
But our life isn't ours either. We belong to God. He is our heavenly Father. He understood our grief and pain. Our God knows that pain and grief of losing a
child. He knows the pain of separation,
in a much deeper way that what we were experiencing. Our God could grieve with us. We have a great High Priest who understands
our suffering. We knew God loved us. We knew God had a plan, but we didn't understand. We didn't want to
suffer. But praise be to God that he
allowed our loss of Elizabeth, because through our deep pain and loss, we grew
to know our loving Heavenly Father even deeper.
We understood more of his love, of his grace, and of his mercy.
I can only imagine what God was thinking that night as
we drove home without Elizabeth. We couldn't see the future. We didn't know
what would happen. But our gracious and
loving father had a plan. In our
suffering, he brought great joy and provision.
And as January 5th approaches, I can be grateful for the outpouring of
love, provision, grace, and mercy that our loving God so freely gave to us as
we grieved during our loss of Elizabeth.
That dreadful Saturday night as we returned our
Elizabeth, God already had a plan to work in a huge and mighty way. He portrayed himself through all parties
involved in our failed adoption. We experienced
so much grace and compassion from the agencies and our attorney. God sent a friend
to come and sit with me as I rocked our sweet Elizabeth for the last time. My sister and mother sat with me and helped me care for her as we knew we had to give her back. They wept and cried and grieved with us. They served us. They loved us. My friend, mom, and sister cried with me and prayed with me as I
bathed her and got her ready for her journey to her new family. My family was there. My friend was there. But most importantly, God was there.
That night, after we returned our Elizabeth, some of our
friends showed up to love us and grieve with us. Each couple had experienced
great loss and grief in their lives.
They knew what we needed to hear.
They knew when to sit and be quiet with us. As I looked around that night at my beautiful
friends who carried scars, God gave me hope.
God healed them. He could heal me
too. They gave us such a gift as they
grieved with is in our darkest hour. These
friends showed us a picture of the deep love of God. They grieved with us! We are bonded with that
beautiful, glorious bond for life.
But God wasn't done. Only God could work and move in such a mighty
way. Our sweet Hannah had come into this
world! She needed us and we needed her! Her birth-mother wanted her to go to a Christian family. The director from the agency was praying that
God would bring our child to us. Within
minutes she received the call about our sweet Hannah. She said that God spoke to her heart. She
knew that Hannah was our child.
The next day as we cried and prayed and worshiped at
church, we got the call…the most important, glorious, most wonderful call we
have ever received! Our sweet Hannah was waiting for us. She would be our daughter if we would be her
parents. We were scared. All the “what
ifs” were running through our heads. We
prayed that if she was to be our daughter that God would work and move to allow
us to be her parents. Little did we
know, he was already at work. Our God is sovereign! The next few hours God generously provided and
made a way for us to go and bring our daughter home. Our weeping lasted for the night but our God
had already been at work to bring joy in the morning.
It was a Sunday night. We were on our way to bring our
daughter home. We were scared about the possibility of facing loss again. We prayed that this time we would meet our
forever child. We prayed and knew that
we would pursue and fight for our daughter with all of strength, will, and
hearts.
As we were driving, James wanted to discuss names. I was so scared and afraid. I was still
grieving our failed adoption. My heart
broke that I wasn't there to love and comfort Elizabeth. My heart broke that I wasn't there to love
and bond with Hannah in the hospital right at that moment. My heart was so troubled. My heart was so heavy. But then my husband
and our sweet Pastor (who went with us so we wouldn't be alone…I know he and his wife are amazing!) reminded me that God loves Elizabeth and Hannah and He was there with
them. God loved and loves them both more
than I can imagine. He was and is big enough
to care for them. God’s grace was and is
enough for them. God’s grace was enough
for my torn but hopeful, and broken but joyful heart.
In spite of all of this, God did place a name on my
heart. That afternoon in the busyness of preparing to leave the name resonated
within my heart. I knew that this would
be our daughter’s name. I was scared to
even say it out loud…Was this real? Was this really happening? Were we really
going to meet our sweet daughter and bring her home?
Then James shared the name that God had placed on his
heart…Hannah Joy, the same name that God had given me all afternoon! We would be meeting our sweet and precious
gift from God very soon! Her name means God’s
favor or grace and to rejoice. We
certainly were humbled and in awe of our God working and moving in our life and
Hannah’s life to be her parents. She is
our beautiful, wonderful, precious gift!
We love her with a deep, fierce, forever, grateful love!
The next day we met our beautiful gift from God! The moment we met her, God placed so much joy
and gratitude in our hearts! We were incredibly blessed to share our first moments with her with my dad, and our pastor. We were able to share our joy with them, which was an amazing gift! From the beginning,
she has brought so much happiness. God
began to heal our scars and our hurts through his love and mercy. We are incredibly blessed to call her our
daughter. When we look at her, we are
reminded of God’s deep love for us. He
is our great healer. He is our hope and
our salvation!
Part of me wishes that I could say I am completely
healed from all the pain that we experienced from Elizabeth, but part of me is relieved
that God is still working on me and healing my heart. I have realized this year that my God is a
loving and gracious Father who can be trusted.
The Lord continues to show me that Hannah belongs to Him. He is her creator and sustainer of life. I must trust that God loves her more than
myself and more than I can fathom or imagine.
I’m grateful for the scars that God has healed with his loving
mercy. Those scars remind me that He
loves me and He is in control. He is
good and I can trust him, even when my circumstances want to scream something
different to me. He alone has to be my
true source of hope and joy. It is then
that I can breathe, trust God, delight in Him, and enjoy my husband and my
daughter, two of the most precious gifts that God could have ever given me!
We are so blessed by the outpouring of love God showed us through this time. Our church family, our family, and our friends were so caring, so loving, so supportive. They prayed with us, cried with us, rejoiced with us, brought gifts to us, and provided meals for almost a month! They showed us the love of God within the body of Christ!
So as January 5th approaches, we choose to praise
God. We praise God for the life of
Elizabeth. We pray that as she grows, she will know of Jesus and his great love
for her. We pray that she follows him
with her life. We praise God for the
family that he chose for her. We praise
God for the six days that we had with her.
We praise God for his grace and mercy in our grieving. We praise God for Himself! In our grief, He is our comfort and strength. In our joy, we delight and rejoice in
him! We praise God for our brothers and
sisters in Christ who prayed for us, loved us, grieved with us, and rejoiced
with us!
We praise God because through our loss of Elizabeth,
God worked mightily in a glorious way to give us our sweet and precious gift,
our Hannah Joy! We praise God for the life of Hannah! We pray that she will know Jesus and love him
with her whole heart! We pray that she
knows God as her Abba Father, her provider, her protector, her comforter, but
more than anything we pray that she knows God as her Savior. We pray that she
knows how much she is loved and treasured by her creator and by us. We pray that Hannah knows that our hearts are
full of so much joy and gratitude! Out of all the parents in the world, God
chose us to be her mommy and daddy!
We praise God that in several days we will have the
honor of celebrating Hannah’s first birthday.
We praise God for her sweet and spunky personality. We praise God for those sweet little fingers
that wrap around ours. We praise God for
her sweet giggles that flood our home with so much joy. We praise God that we are able to experience the
world through Hannah…the first time we held her and she looked up at us, the
first time we introduced her to our family and friends, her first bath, her
first table food, her first toys, her first giggles, her first smiles, the
first time she rested in our arms, the first time she patted our backs to show
her love for us, her first trip to the beach, park, and zoo, her first
Thanksgiving meal, her first Christmas and opening gifts, her first time playing
in the sand, the first time she sang and clapped with all her heart in worship
time….For all of these firsts, we are overwhelmed with joy and gratitude! We are so thankful that we are her mommy and
daddy we have the privilege of sharing life with her. We are so excited about sharing all of her
firsts of life with her! We feel incredibly blessed to call her our daughter. Our God has made a covenant of hope! He has
given us His grace and rejoice!
"Our soul waits for the Lord; he is our help and shield. For our heart is glad in him, because we trust in his holy name. Let your steadfast love, O Lord, be upon us, even as we hope in you."
Psalm 33: 20-22
You can checkout James' sermon about our journey to Hannah and the faithfulness of our God here
